Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
