A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
