Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
