You smell like stripper and shame
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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