I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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