guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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