My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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