Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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