I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
