I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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