is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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