Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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