Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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