Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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