I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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