My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
