No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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