i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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