WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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