Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
