real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
