3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
