my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
