You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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