she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
