the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
