and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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