So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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