She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
