How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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