Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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