I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
