Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
