one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
