once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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