Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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