i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
