As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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