I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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