I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize