Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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