I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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