I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
