I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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