life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
