She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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