pop tarts are not kleenex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
