You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
