i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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