so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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