there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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