I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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